


Scar Tissue

by ballonballon



Category: The West Wing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-24
Updated: 2018-12-30
Packaged: 2019-09-26 10:37:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17140226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ballonballon/pseuds/ballonballon
Summary: The Santos White House comes to know the lasting traumas surviving from Rosslyn.





	1. The Staff

**Author's Note:**

> You know how when Obamacare passed it was crazy unpopular, but was actually doing good for the country? I kind of feel like that’s the reception Santos’s big education overhaul would get. It’s best for the country, but it might take people a while to see the benefits.

Sam Seaborn was rushing down a West Wing hallway; his arms stuffed to the brim, full with briefing binders and hastily scribbled pages of notes. A Styrofoam cup of coffee was balancing precariously on top of all the mess. He was running very late to a meeting.

Both the First Lady’s staff and the President’s staff were converging today to discuss image strategy. Despite the recent success of their education bill passing, the American public had not quite warmed to the idea of longer school years among other drastic shifts which meant that poll numbers were dropping fast. The meeting was to discuss how to stop the bleeding.

Sam reached the door, which was closed and gave a frustrated grunt. He had no hands to turn the handle. He gave the bottom of the door a solid kick. Nobody in the room seemed to hear it. They were too immersed in discussion. Sam sighed and kicked the door a few more times, repeatedly. Over and over until somebody finally answered the door. 

“What the hell is your problem?” Lou demanded as she yanked the door open. 

“Nobody would answer the door,” Sam stated with a huff. 

“Maybe if you weren’t late to the meeting, the door would have still been open,” Lou bit back. 

Sam ignored her and pushed past as he went to take a seat near the head of the group, dropping his books and papers with a solid thunk that shook the table. 

“Okay where are we?” 

The entire room burst into life at once as various staffers started talking over each other and arguments that were clearly taking place before Sam arrived continued. Sam’s hands immediately went to his temples, trying to nurse his already throbbing headache. He glanced up and made eye contact with Donna, who was sitting quietly watching the rest of the staff. She gave a sympathetic smile and Sam gave a small one back. 

“Alright.” Nobody quieted down. 

“ALRIGHT!” The room slowly turned to look at him. It wasn’t like Sam to shout. “I want to have something solid to tell the President and Josh when they get here. So where do we start?” 

“We stop getting our asses beat up on the Hill,” Lou said pointedly, looking Sam dead in the eyes. He bristled at the accusation. His latest few undertakings when it came to the legislative agenda had not gone according to plan. Obstinate Republicans and on the fence Democrats afraid of moving the needle too far had made Sam’s life in the last few weeks a policy driven nightmare. 

“Yes,” he replied through gritted teeth. “What else?” 

“We need to take a clear stand on issues,” Amy spoke up from the middle of the table. “Besides education we’ve been too all over the place trying to appease different members of the party. We need to show we’re in control and the rest of the party will follow and stop trying to squeeze in every last whim that they may have into every bill.”

“That’s been difficult when every member of the Democratic party working in the House right now thinks we owe them a favor now that the education bill has passed.” 

“We get tough,” Amy said simply. “You need to get tough.” 

Sam held back a sharp retort. His start to life as the deputy chief of staff had been rocky. Sam wasn’t cut from the same cloth as Josh. He didn’t view wrangling Senators and Congressmen on the Hill as a sport like the chief of staff did. This made the transition a struggle at times. The overwhelmed feeling he had in his stomach all those years ago when Josh had been stuck in Indiana and Sam had staffed President Bartlet had fully returned when he took this job. Slowly he was gaining more confidence, but there were still serious feelings of doubt. The last few weeks had not done nothing to help his confidence.

Sam looked up at the group and made eye contact with Donna again.

“Donna, the First Lady’s approval ratings have been soaring. What do you suggest?” 

Donna tried to hide a proud smile and mostly failed. 

“You need the President to be putting more of his own stamp on things, people need to realize these bills are coming from him.” 

“Prioritize what you really want to get done now that the education bill is out of the way and schedule the President’s time more accordingly,” piped up Annabeth next to her. 

“You say this as though the President hasn’t been saddled with a war he didn’t ask for,” Sam snorted shortly, his temper was running on a short fuse. “It’s difficult to schedule his time freely when he gets pulled into the sit room every couple hours.” 

Donna simply shrugged.

“You asked.” Sam looked at her for a moment before turning to the group again.

“Alright, let’s hear some more ideas. How do we get our numbers up? No idea is stupid, let’s go.”

A few staffers shot out their plans. Bram suggested more press interaction from the President. Lester explained how the administration should be more transparent and less modest about their achievements so far. Sam was busy writing something down when the room went quiet, evidently out of suggestions. 

After a moment, Otto spoke up. 

“We could get shot at,” he suggested with a laugh. “That worked for you guys under Bartlet. 

His joke received a few quiet laughs from around the table, but was otherwise met with silence. Sam, however, had gone stock still, as had Donna. Amy crossed her arms and looked at the ceiling. 

“You think that’s funny?” Sam practically growled to Otto. Otto sat up and took note of the sharpness of Sam’s tone. He shook his head quickly. The rest of the room immediately took notice. This wasn’t a Sam Seaborn they were used to. 

“No, sir.” 

“You think we were thankful we got shot at because it boosted our approval ratings?” Sam demanded, every consonant was being emphasized as he spoke. The thin thread holding his temper together snapped fully.

“No-“ 

“You think while my best friend was dying with a hole in his chest, I sat there on the pavement next to a pool of his blood thinking about how our approval ratings are going to go up?"

Otto looked at a lost of what to do after a few seconds of his mouth hanging open. The rest of the room had gone completely still, watching in horror as Sam unraveled. 

“Sam no, I'm-“

“I sat next to him in that ambulance, watching helplessly as the paramedics tried to keep him alive. He couldn’t breathe you know,” Sam continued. He was fully lost in the memory now and seemingly unable to stop. Otto was trying his hardest to disappear into his chair. “His lung collapsed and all the blood from the bullet wound had pooled in his chest. Imagine that. Watching your best friend trying his best to take a breath and not being able to.”

“Sam-“ He didn’t hear the door open behind him. 

“And then wait another 14 hours to find out if he’ll live or die,” Sam broke off, looking away and raising a closed fist to his mouth. “And you have to go on with your job because somebody has to keep the government running. You have to do press interviews, you have to walk around these halls acting like everything is just fine and dandy when really you just want to be anywhere but here. Not only this, but then he wakes up and we have to tell him that the PRESIDENT has been shot too. Then there’s another three months of him hardly being able to walk or breathe, but hey, that would all be worth it for a boost in the polls right Otto?”

“Sam?” Sam whipped around and saw the subject of his story stood in the doorway, standing next to the current President. Josh looked pale, nervous. 

“Mr. President,” Sam said, heat rising to his face. Matt glanced sideways at Josh to gauge his reaction, but Josh was now distracted by the sight of Donna down the end of the table looking visibly upset.

“What the hell are you guys talking about in here?” Josh questioned Sam in a dangerous voice; his eyes never left Donna’s. The longer they stared, the more Donna seemed to be able to pull herself together. The sight of Josh alive and breathing freely broke her of the horrible memories that were lodging themselves in her mind’s eye.

“Wonderkid over here thought a way to raise our approval ratings would be to get shot at like you guys were in Rosslyn,” Amy answered with an edge to her voice.

Otto looked mortified. Josh was still looking at Donna. 

“I mean it would probably work, but I'm not a huge fan of the idea of getting shot again,” Josh replied calmly as he slowly turned to face Amy.

“I'm so sorry,” Otto repeated. Josh gave him a tight smile and took a quick glance around the room. He felt the tenseness radiating off everyone and tried to put them at ease.

“You volunteering to be the one to take the bullet this time?” Josh joked lightly. The room collectively let out a breath. Matt’s head quirked to the side slightly as he took in his Chief of Staff. He watched as Josh put a hand on Sam’s arm with a slight nod to his deputy. Matt noted the residual anger still making itself known in Sam’s posture. He took a seat at the table and Sam and Josh quickly followed suit. 

“So what other crappy ideas did you guys come up with?” Josh asked the room with a half smile on his face. The group filled Josh in on their other ideas, but Josh was only half listening. His gaze kept drifting back to Sam, who didn’t say another word the rest of the meeting.

\--

An hour later, Josh knocked lightly on the open door to Sam’s office. His old office. Sam was turned away from the doorway, his eyes lingering on the trees just outside his window. He didn’t hear Josh knock.

“Sam?” 

He jumped and turned his chair. 

“Hey,” Sam said, adjusting his glasses. 

“You okay?” Josh asked him carefully. Sam nodded his head towards the door and Josh promptly closed it behind him. He sat on the edge of one of Sam’s cabinets; where Josh’s blackboards used to be and patiently waited for Sam to start talking.

“They have no idea, Josh,” Sam started after a while. “They have no idea what it was like.” 

“I know,” Josh agreed quietly. 

“They have no idea the fear that shook this building to its core. That’s...” Sam drifted off, staring at a spot on the wall past Josh’s shoulder. “That’s strange to me. I’ve been so used to everyone in this building just understanding how that night felt.” 

“You know, I don’t really know how that night felt,” Josh said with a small smile. Sam’s face crinkled sadly. 

“Yeah, I guess not.” 

“Donna was pretty shaken up about it,” Josh said quietly. 

“I’m sorry,” Sam said, sighing and rubbing a hand over his face. “I was just angry and I got lost... remembering. I’ll apologize to her.” Josh nodded.

"I'm not sure a lot of them even know I got shot," Josh said. His voice was light, practically conversational. As though their topic of conversation was about the weather or sports.

"I feel like they should."

Josh quirked his head.

"Why?" 

Sam shrugged, a faraway look in his eye.

"I don't know. I guess I just feel like it's an important part of what makes you you." 

Josh frowned.

"Me getting shot is what makes me me?" he looked hurt at Sam's words. Sam smiled warmly.

"No. You getting shot at while doing your job and then walking straight back into this building afterwards without a moments hesitation is what makes you you."

Josh straightened his back slightly as he readjusted his posture.

"Oh."

"Yeah."

Josh looked at Sam and smiled slightly.

“Sam, you’re doing fine, you know. Don’t let Lou get in your head. You were a huge part of passing that education bill.” 

Sam shook his head with an unamused smile. 

“For every good deed, I seem to start three small fires in the wake of it,” he said bitterly. When he looked up, he saw a big smile on Josh’s face. 

“And you wondered why I got in trouble so often,” he smirked. Sam gave him a smile, but said nothing.

“Just don’t take it out on everyone else if you’re frustrated okay?” Josh said placating. “I know what Otto said was stupid, but let’s not... y’know.” 

Sam nodded. “Yeah.” Josh straightened up and made his way through the door. 

“My door’s always open, Sam,” he said seriously. “You know that.”

Sam nodded, a genuine smile on his lips now. 

“Thanks, Josh.”


	2. Helen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After visiting with a students, staff, and parents at a high school after a deadly shooting, Helen Santos tries to get the staff to come up with a strong gun legislation bill.

Helen had just returned to the White House last night. She had been visiting Hawkins High School in Michigan where she went to comfort the students, teachers, and parents after a deadly shooting had taken place there the week before. Five students had been killed and numerous others were injured. While she had tried her best to be a comfort, she found it difficult to keep her composure. Her heart ached for these students, she felt helpless. All she could think about was Miranda and Peter and how she needed to act to ensure their safety along with the safety of every other child in this country. If she didn't use her position of power for good, what was the point? Now back at the White House, she had used all of her power as First Lady to set up a meeting with the President's staff and hers as quickly as possible. 

And so she called this meeting. The goal was to walk out of this room with a plan on how to tackle the issues of guns in the United States; how to pass a strong bill that would make a difference in the safety of everyone.

The meeting was comprised of herself, Donna, Annabeth, Matt, Josh, Sam, and Lou. Since it had been last minute, the strain was showing on all members present as no person at this meeting had much free time to speak of and no one felt sure of what exactly was going to happen. They were all sat in the Oval Office on the sofas, except for Josh who was standing off to the side, clutching a binder to his chest.

“Thank you all for coming on such short notice. This felt too important to not attend to right away so I’ll get right to it,” Helen began, a little nervously as she clasped her hands together in her lap. 

“We need to work together to pass a bill. A dramatic bill. One that will actually affect the way guns are used in this country.” She was met with silence. Helen continued. “We need stronger background checks, a ban on semi automatic weapons. There are so many problems we need to fix.” More silence; most were averting her gaze. Confusion began to make its way into Helen's mind. She would have thought this idea would be met with enthusiasm from both sides. How could it not be? She made eye contact with Matt who looked away quickly.

“I know we have other things on the agenda, but I truly think we should make this a priority. I figured we can use my popularity to help drive the bill forward,” she said, trying her best to rally a response. Still nothing. She cringed internally, she hadn’t wanted to use that line, especially not so soon, but the silence was causing her to panic. 

“We need to do this,” she said firmly after another few moments stretched by. “It’s essential that we do this. Those kids.” She had to stop and collect herself. 

“What those kids have been through? No child should ever have to experience that kind of pain, that kind of fear. Let’s do something about it.”

Again, the room was silent. Nobody wanted to be the one to say it.

“Mrs. Santos,” Josh began slowly, painfully. He would take the hit, they had a feeling this might be what the meeting was about. “We can’t.” 

Helen’s eyebrows narrowed immediately.

“We have to.” 

“We can’t,” Josh repeated. “We just don’t have the political capitol to spare right now. We are just barely scraping by in the polls, we are at a razor thin margin on this Kazakhstan bill and god knows we need it to pass. If we had the Senate and the House, I’d be right there with you, but right now, trying to shove this bill through the system will only destroy the progress we’ve made elsewhere. We don't have enough votes to make it pass and we’ll lose the goodwill we’ve struck up with reluctant congressmen from pro-gun districts if we try.” 

Helen let her eyes drift over the reactions of the other people in the room. No one seemed to be in disagreement with Josh. 

“I’m sorry,” Josh added. Helen felt a hot bolt flash through her chest as she again remembered those broken children she met. They were so scared, so terribly afraid of what now lay right outside their front door. How were they expected to recover from this trauma? She needed to do this for them. For her own kids, for those who didn't get a voice.

“No. I don’t accept that.”

“Helen,” Donna began softly. 

“I don’t understand,” Helen continued, her hand lightly pushing Donna’s away. She honed in on Josh. “How can you not want to make schools safer for these kids?” Josh looked stung. 

“Of course, I want to make schools safer for these kids, but-“ 

Helen couldn’t let this go. She had to make Josh understand. If she just made him understand, they could make this happen.

“If you knew the pain those kids are going through...” Helen took a breath and tried to steady herself. Images from the day before were flashing through her mind. “If you went to that school yesterday, you’d understand why we need to pass this bill, Josh.” 

Josh had gone very still and very pale. The binder he was clutching was now being held with a vice like grip. His knuckles were starting to turn white. 

He worked very hard to make his next words come out as evenly as possibly. 

“I do understand why we need to pass this bill, Mrs. Santos, but there’s no point in trying to pass a bill that is doomed to fail and can only hurt us. We wait till the midterms are over and if we have the Senate then maybe we can tackle this but-“ 

Feeling trapped with nowhere to go, Helen continued to rally against Josh.

“So we’re just not going to do anything?” She cut Josh off before he could reply. All of her frustration was being taken out on him. To have her idea shot down so firmly without any discussion or thought was devastating. “You know, Josh, these kids aren't in schools where every student had a trust fund so large by the 4th grade that they could have bought my own childhood home ten times over. They have to worry about this kind of thing. I sure did where I grew up and the amount of other kids who live with that fear is not something we should turn our noses at. We need to be thinking about the communities that need our help the most. Where dangers like this are real and very present. If we can’t empathize with these students, can’t put ourselves in their shoes, we should be ashamed.” Everyone in the room easily picked up on her accusation, what she was getting at. A few glanced over at Josh to see his reaction, but none came. Josh understood her frustration, he would take the hit that needed to be taken. 

Helen looked around at the group, hoping her words had made some kind of impact, but again she was met with averted glances and silence. She felt like she was trying to scale a mountain made of ice and she could not stop slipping the higher she climbed. She couldn’t help it, she continued to pick on the one person in the room who had opened himself up to fire by being the one to deliver the bad news in the first place.

“What, because Josh Lyman says no, we don’t pursue this at all? Josh Lyman is the expert on gun violence here and gets to decide if and when we pursue a bill to make this country a safer place?” As she said it, something felt amiss. Something in the back of her mind was trying to get her attention, but Helen ignored it. She was trying everything in her power to swing the meeting in the direction it needed to go in. She owed those kids. 

Josh’s mouth had pressed into a thin line. He didn’t reply. Helen looked to Matt for support, but found none. In fact, Matt looked on the cusp on anger. Looking wounded and a little embarrassed, Helen looked down at her knees for a few seconds before standing and moving towards the door. She paused before exiting and looking at Matt she said simply. 

“I’m disappointed.”

And with that she left the room leaving Josh starting at the floor, trying to mask his frustration and pain. Donna lightly traced her hand across his as she passed by and he made eye contact with her just as she was leaving. He saw the concern there, the anger on his behalf.

When Helen was gone and the door to the Oval was firmly shut, Matt turned to him. 

“Josh-“ Matt began. 

"It's fine." 

Josh shook his head and waved a dismissive hand and caught the significant look Sam was giving him.

"I-" Matt looked at a loss. "She must not realize that-"

"It's fine, sir," Josh said quickly. He walked by Sam and patted him on the shoulder. He could see the anger in his friend's eyes.

"Let's get back to work," Josh told the group, but his eyes were locked on Sam's. He waited until he saw Sam nod. 

The rest of the group followed his lead and fell back into the day’s normal routine.

\--

“Donna?”

Donna paused a moment before turning her attention to Helen. Helen smiled briefly before pressing on, sounding nervous. 

“I'm sorry about that meeting, I wasn’t at my best, I got flustered, but I had to try to get something for those kids.”

“Ma’am,” Donna began. Helen noted the use of “ma’am” and sat up a little straighter. “I don’t think you know Josh very well.” 

Helen looked surprised at Donna’s statement. She was expecting Donna to gently explain to Helen how she should have attacked the issue in that way Donna so often did when Helen went off the cuff. The topic of Josh was rarely if ever breached between Helen and Donna, at least not in a professional context. 

“I-“ Helen began, thrown off kilter.

“Helen, I don’t think there’s a single person in this White House who would be more for a strong gun legislation bill than Josh.”

“He hardly showed it then,” Helen muttered bitterly.

“Well, exactly. He tries his best every day not to.” 

That spot in the back of Helen’s mind flared up again. More prominent now, painting a slightly less fuzzy picture. 

“He knows what it would look like if he was the one pushing hard for a gun reform bill. If we're going to try and pass one we need both the House and the Senate both on our side or it will fail.”

“Donna-“

“I mean you should have seen Toby those weeks after it happened, he was screaming at anyone who would listen about how we needed to do something,” Donna continued, lost in her own memories now, but Helen began to tune out. She was finally putting the pieces together. 

The shooting in Rosslyn. Of course. She remembered it well. It had been a night scarred into her memory just like it had been for the rest of America. She remembered the President had been shot and she remembered that other people that night had also been injured as well, but at the time Matt wasn’t even in Washington. At the time, she barely had an idea of who Josh Lyman was. She’d hear his name every now and then on the news, but otherwise, what relevance did the White House Deputy Chief of Staff hold for her? 

She remembers being relieved to hear he had pulled through the surgery, remembers sitting next to Matt on the sofa, her head leaning against his shoulder. She had just never connected the dots that the man who made her husband president could be the same as the one who had been sitting in that hospital the news trucks were camped outside of.

“Rosslyn,” Helen muttered, more to herself than Donna. Donna examined her face and realized for the first time, Helen hadn’t even been thinking about it until now. A sharp reminder to Donna that the Santos administration was a very different place to the Bartlet administration. These were not the same people who had walked these halls that sticky night in August.

“You didn’t know Josh was hit?” Helen paused for a moment on Donna’s particular phrasing. 

“I didn’t know who Josh was then,” Helen said, sounding for all the world like she wished she could take the last 45 minutes back. “His name hadn’t stuck in my head. I just... He’s never brought it up, never mentioned-“

“He doesn’t. He doesn’t like to remind people of what happened.”

As Donna’s words settled in Helen’s mind, her face registered the major lapse in memory and the embarrassment and shame she felt for the way she talked to Josh rose up within her. 

“Oh, god,” she muttered as her head fell into her hands. 

“Donna-“ 

Donna shook her head.

“He’s not what you think Helen.”

“What do you-“

“He’s not some spoiled rich kid who has had everything handed to him-“ Donna stopped herself, remembering her place. It wasn’t like her to interrupt. Helen looked remorseful and to Donna’s relief, not angry. She very rarely got worked up, especially not in front of Helen, but she hated the image that Helen had of Josh. She always had an idea that Helen was never particularly fond of Josh, but she never realized how far that went.

“It’s okay,” Helen encouraged. “Keep going.” 

And Donna remembered why she liked her boss as much as she did. Her compassionate, kind boss who at times got carried away because she cared just a little too much.

“I just wish you wouldn’t think of him that way,” Donna said with a sad smile. “I know you two don’t know each other very well, but the last thing Josh is, is spoiled. He’s...” Donna paused to consider her next words carefully. “He’s been through a lot.” 

Looking up to see she still had Helen’s full attention, Donna continued. She didn’t want to tell Helen about Joanie, that wasn’t her place, but she wanted to give Helen something. Something to help her better understand the man that Donna loved so dearly. 

“He’s dyslexic, you know,” Donna said, smiling slightly. Helen blinked. This wasn’t where she expected the conversation to go.

“Really?”

“Yes. It means he has to work twice as hard to get the basic stuff down. You ever wonder why he likes to talk about the things he works on out loud so much? It’s his way of checking himself and making sure he absorbs the language and meaning better. This job? He’s wanted to do this since he was young and so he worked hard in school to get here. To the point where he missed out on a lot of stuff because he needed to study.” Donna had a fond smile on her face. She was thinking about all the times in Josh’s office when Josh would talk out arguments with her, the system they had developed so her notes could be more easily digested by him. Donna comforting him on nights when he got overly frustrated at how long it was taking him to get through a particular set of briefing books. 

She remembers the day Josh told her he was dyslexic because she remembered how embarrassed he had seemed. He’d muttered it quietly and Donna had to ask him to repeat himself much to Josh's horror. Donna though, found it to be endearing and it made her admire Josh all the more. Watching him up close gave her an appreciation of just how hard he had to work to keep up with everybody else. It’s why he got frustrated when people interrupted him when he was reading, it was why he bragged about the 760 he scored on the verbal portion of his SAT, it was part of the reason why he had been so reluctant to let Donna go as his assistant. He became so reliant on their system, he worried he wouldn’t be able to do it without her.

“I had no idea,” Helen said.

"He thinks it's something to be embarrassed about, which is silly, but he's worked through it."

"Why is he embarrassed?" 

"He's afraid people will think he's stupid when they find out."

"But that's-"

"I know," Donna said, cutting her off. "I know. I've told him a million times."

The idea of Josh Lyman being worried about what anybody else thought was surprising to Helen.

“And his parents were hardly the kind to give out hand outs,” Donna continued, shaking her head slightly as she changed the subject. “They would help when he needed it, but they never wanted him to know understand the value of a dollar. He worked after school in high school and he worked in college. He’s worked hard his whole life, Helen. He’s never had a smooth ride.”

Helen nodded, she didn't know what to say. 

“I'm sorry, Donna,” she said earnestly. Donna nodded back.

“Ma’am, I know you’re frustrated and your heart was in the right place because you wanted to do something for these kids, but Josh was the wrong person to go after.”

“I’m not proud of it,” Helen admitted. “I’ll apologize to him.” 

Donna gave her a warm smile and all Helen could think about now was Rosslyn. Her mind was turning over that night over and over, trying to remember what happened. Trying to find information in her memory that would help her better understand Josh Lyman.

\--

“Josh?” 

Josh turned away from the window. It was evening now, there was a soft glow of orange enveloping his office as the setting sun was visible just outside his window. A flurry of dust motes were visible where the light spilled into the room. He had his elbow propped up on the arm of the chair and had his chin resting in his palm. He scrambled to stand. 

“Good evening, ma’am.” 

Helen waved him down. “Sit, sit, sit.”

Josh did as he was told, but was looking very wary. Helen sat in one of his visitors’ chairs. As she sat, she caught sight of a pile of notes Josh had and saw pen marks all over it. She wondered for a moment what his system with Donna had been. Josh let Helen make the first move.

“I wanted to talk about earlier, Josh.”

Josh sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “Mrs. Santos, I'm sorry, I can’t push your bill through, it just won’t happen.” 

Helen shook her head.

“I understand, Josh,” she said, her tone soft. “I wanted to apologize.” 

Josh looked taken aback.

“Apologize?” He looked uncomfortable, his eyes never held her gaze for long. "You don't have to apologize."

“Oh, I think I do,” Helen said regretfully. “You didn’t deserve what I said to you today. I'm very sorry about that.”

“That’s alright,” Josh said quickly, but Helen shook her head.

“I understand now, Josh,” she said imploringly.

“Understand what?” Josh asked, not wanting to misstep. 

“Rosslyn.” 

“Ah,” Josh said, feeling more uncomfortable than ever. A hand rubbed at the back of his neck. He hated talking about Rosslyn, especially with people who weren’t there that night or people who weren’t Stanley or Donna. 

“I never would have accused you of anything if I had remembered. I'm very sorry, Josh. It was awful of me.”

“What do you mean?”

“I never realized you were the one on the news that night. I never connected the dots.” 

"Ah." Josh waved a dismissive hand in the air.

“It was a long time ago.”

Helen gave him an amused look. 

“Somehow I don’t think you’ve forgotten though.”

Josh shrugged. 

“I don’t really remember much of it actually,” he said lightly. He was only slightly lying. Helen didn’t need to know about his dreams, his flashbacks. He remembered what they showed him, but he barely remembers anything organically from that night.

“You don't?"

"Not really." Josh's voice was much smaller than Helen was used to. It wasn't boisterous or carrying across the room like usual. It was quiet and tentative. It was showing her a side to Josh she wasn't used to.

"You didn't want to draft a bill then and there after it happened?"

"We did," Josh said in that same small voice. "I wasn't much good to them at that point though."

Helen cringed.

"How long were you out for?" 

"Uh, three months."

Helen tried to imagine it. Three months of Josh remaining in bed, unable to do much of anything, away from the job he loved.

"It must have been awful."

Josh let out a small laugh.

"It hurt," he said with a small smirk. Helen did not return the laugh. An awkward silence stretched out between them and Helen sighed.

“I realized, Josh,” she said, grabbing his attention again. “We've known each other a while and I don’t know you. At all.”

Josh gave a small smile and looked down shyly.

“What do you want to know?”

“Well,” Helen began, giving a tentative smile. She felt encouraged by the fact he didn't turn away from the topic. “Let’s start with something safe. Do you have any siblings?”

She saw as Josh’s eyes went wide, but then he couldn’t help it. He had to let out the tiniest laugh at the irony. Helen looked confused. 

“Wha-“ 

“Helen, you don’t have to do this.” 

“I want to though,” she insisted. 

“Why?”

“We work together. You see my husband more than I do these days.” 

Josh shrugged and said nothing, he began twirling a pen around in his fingers.

“No siblings then?” Helen pressed. Josh’s head fell back against his chair and he let it roll off to the side as he stared at the ceiling for a moment. 

“Not anymore.” 

Helen felt her heart drop. Her face fell as she made eye contact with Josh, whose smile looked more like a grimace.

“Not anymore?”

There was a long pause before Josh finally answered.

“Not since I was seven.” Helen mentally kicked herself. Wondering how in the world she managed to start this off with the worst question to ask.

"Donna never mentioned," Helen muttered quietly. She looked down at her knees and composed herself.

“What happened?” she asked, pushing herself to keep the conversation going. She was thinking of her own kids again, wondering how awful it would be for one of them to have to say they no longer had any siblings.

“There was a fire.”

Helen’s face fell further.

“I'm so sorry, Josh.” 

“It’s alright,” Josh said easily. He’d been deflecting apologies for over 40 years now. He was pretty used to it.

“You had a brother? A sister?” Helen asked, trying to be gentle.

“A sister,” Josh said. His face brightened slightly as he thought of her. Six years his senior. She had taught him everything. “Joanie.”

Helen smiled. “That’s a nice name.” 

Josh looked over at Helen and saw how hard she was trying here. Josh tilted his head slightly. 

“She liked music. She wanted to be a conductor,” Josh explained, his finger bouncing lightly in the arches a conductor’s baton would follow.

“What was the age difference?”

“Six years apart so I was basically her play thing for the first three years of my life or so I was told.” 

Helen laughed.

“Peter wanted nothing to do with Miranda until she could walk.”

“She taught me how to play piano,” Josh said in that same quiet voice. Helen could hear the emotion there. That was something she wasn’t sure she’d ever heard before.

“I didn’t know you played,” Helen replied, surprised. Josh was tracing circles into his desk absentmindedly as he discussed Joanie. 

“Yeah,” Josh said simply. He didn’t elaborate this time.

“So you two were close?” Helen asked, trying to dig just a little deeper into Josh’s psyche.

Josh looked up at her and nodded. “Sure, we were close.”

A knock came from the door and Margaret popped her head in.

“Sam needs you,” she said simply and Josh nodded. He tried not to show the relief he felt. He looked to Helen with what he hoped was an apologetic look on his face, but Helen shook her head.

“I’ll get out of your hair,” she muttered, standing up. Josh stood up too. “But Josh, maybe we can have dinner some time, the four of us. Me, you, Matt, and Donna. Get to know each other a little better.”

Josh nodded. “Sure, I’d like that."

Helen smiled wide back at him and moved towards the door.

“Josh, I really am sorry,” she said back to him earnestly. 

“Thank you,” Josh replied. “I'm sorry too, but Mrs. Santos, believe me when I say that I want to pass the same bill that you do, but unfortunately we don’t get all the things we want or the things this country needs, but I promise that I won’t forget about it. The second I think a bill like that has a shot, I’ll be there to help it along.” 

Helen smiled. 

“Thank you. It’s just…” She made the choice to confide in Josh. “It’s just that it’s hard to feel safe when you see things like this happen. I can’t stop thinking about it. I worry.”

“I know. Me too,” Josh agreed quietly. “We get better though, it gets better. We'll make it better. Not as quickly as we'd always like, but we're not going to go down without a fight.”

"Okay," Helen replied quietly. As Helen began to back out of the office, her eyes flicked to Josh's chest. As if she could somehow see the scar through his clothes. She briefly wondered how many layers she would have to get to until she got to know the real Josh. 

"Good night, Josh."

"Good night, Mrs. Santos."

**Author's Note:**

> The Josh dyslexia thing is something I've been thinking about for a while. I hope it worked in this story! Thanks for reading :)


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